Sunday, January 31, 2010


I know by looking at the title, it would be easy to think that this would be a post about some exciting espionage story involving spies and lots of running and car chases. Nope, sorry to disappoint, but this is about my own personal sabotage.

For some time now I have been feeling this growing hunger, and surging lack of enthusiasm in attending church. I like my church, I like the people in it, I like the pastor especially, but I am still feeling this sinking feeling when I go.

I feel lonely, I am often surrounded by people who I know and love, but I am still lonely. I know God is with me, that I cannot deny, but for me personally I haven't been meeting Him in my church.

Maybe I need to shop around for another church, maybe I need to get more involved in my own I do not know right now. What I do know is that it all started when I heard about the new kitchen being put into the basement. I didn't see the point, I saw a perfectly working stove, fridge and dishwasher and I didn't see the point in using up money for something that to me seemed a little bit of a waste.

I know, the people who labour in the kitchen during weddings or funerals may find it annoying or even a hassle, but it seems to me it is like adding a new stained glass window, very pretty, but in reality useless when it could have been spent elsewhere. Kind of how Shane Claiborne outlined his distaste in his book The Irresistible Revolution, here is a link to The Simple Way.

There is also a very large disconnect with our community, some people are working really hard at getting the youth involved, at spreading the good word, but others seem to be so stagnant.

This may be the way in ever church, but when I find it time to go to bed at night on Saturday nights, I feel this sense of dread and longing, longing for something more? Longing for something less, simple, more like how Jesus first did it, the way it is meant to be. Missional!

So, on Sunday mornings, I wake up to my alarm, and lay there and think about my choices. Go to church to hang out with the people I know and only see once in a while, which is a big draw, getting little out of the sermon, (not the fault of the pastor, maybe I am just shut off?) or to stay in bed and push the snooze button, ultimately sabotaging myself by sleeping too late.

Is it like ripping off a bandaid? Or like going to the gym at 6am? You just need to do it and it feels better.

What do I need to do? I know that I need to find new experiences, to seek out new life and new civilizations, (oh wait, that sounds oddly familiar!) to boldly go where no man has gone before, or gone before, but I have not.

Where can I find it? The missional community that I am desiring, the one where it is possible to openly ask questions, to have debates, to welcome that drunk man shoveling the sidewalk into church for a cup of coffee instead of sending him away in disgust.

I have seen that before, I have attended a church much like that, but it is a bit of a distance to go on Sundays, especially when I work. In Winnipeg I saw this. It was a home, a family, open to all, and at the base of seeking God and making Him known.

I need to stay here, I have made a commitment to school, and I am not turning away, I LOVE it. I am supposed to be here taking classes. I just need something more. You know?

This is a very personal entry and I welcoming challenges, comments, personal opinions, advice. All of it. I think bloggers blog because of those things, and more.


  1. Hey Crystal, why not start your own Missional like church. I am sure you are not the only one who feels this way and may find it very fulfilling to do that sort of thing again.

  2. Anonymous, someone else said the same thing to me, but it would be a folly for me to think I have enough knowledge base or commitment to start one. I am so not at that place.

  3. But you are passionate about it and that passion is knowledge too. I think you could/should then get a group of like minded friends together and even 2 times a month commit to getting together and pick a topic and everyone spends a few days getting together what on that topic they will say and have an open discussion. You will learn from each other and 2 times a month is nothing to commit too. PS its Trina just don't have a thing to log in with to put something other than anonymous as my name.

  4. I think if you are feeling like this even after you get to church then its not like going to the gym at 6 am where you go and once you are there you feel better. I think you need to find somethinbg that will make you happy. It doesn't sound like this church is giving you everything you are looking for, therefore what is the point in going if you continue to question why you go and where you continue to be unhappy. I say look for what you really want. I myself do not go to church, but I think He would understand! I also agree with Trina, that sounds like a great idea. If you are looking for somewhere to put out your ideas, or have debates, why is it church is the place to go? You can do that anywhere with passionate minds like yourself!

  5. The problem I have with that idea is that we shouldn't be going to do church because it makes us feel good, or because we are supposed to get something out of it. We go to church because we have been commanded to as the body of Christ, and we do it for God, not for ourselves. That's simplistic, I know, but there are always times when you feel great about church and other times when you go out of a sense of duty. It will pass. It always does. If God wants that group of Christians to be your church family, you can't just leave your family when they aren't everything you want them to be. No one satisfies all of your needs. I have a spouse for some needs, girl friends for others, the church for others.

    Within the church, can you not pick out a smaller community who have the same missional desire? Have a Bible study with them, pick garbage off the street with them, wander around the street handing out sandwiches, have coffee with that drunk man - whatever.

    Or maybe once you're done with school you really feel the call to enter the mission field elsewhere.

  6. Ev, yes, so great thank you for writing on this post!
    I have had much more time to think and to reflect and go to church when it felt like duty and I agree with you fully.
    Thank you. Sometimes a person needs a kick in the butt and sometimes they need to be encouraged and well sometimes both!
    I love having people like you who are more mature in their faith read this and give me honest feedback that I don't know maybe you have felt the same thing at times as well?...
    I am planning on going to a prayer class on wed eves, and maybe starting a bible study with some folks... I find it hard to have the time to organize things so we'll see how that goes.
    Thanks again!