Sunday, January 31, 2010


I know by looking at the title, it would be easy to think that this would be a post about some exciting espionage story involving spies and lots of running and car chases. Nope, sorry to disappoint, but this is about my own personal sabotage.

For some time now I have been feeling this growing hunger, and surging lack of enthusiasm in attending church. I like my church, I like the people in it, I like the pastor especially, but I am still feeling this sinking feeling when I go.

I feel lonely, I am often surrounded by people who I know and love, but I am still lonely. I know God is with me, that I cannot deny, but for me personally I haven't been meeting Him in my church.

Maybe I need to shop around for another church, maybe I need to get more involved in my own I do not know right now. What I do know is that it all started when I heard about the new kitchen being put into the basement. I didn't see the point, I saw a perfectly working stove, fridge and dishwasher and I didn't see the point in using up money for something that to me seemed a little bit of a waste.

I know, the people who labour in the kitchen during weddings or funerals may find it annoying or even a hassle, but it seems to me it is like adding a new stained glass window, very pretty, but in reality useless when it could have been spent elsewhere. Kind of how Shane Claiborne outlined his distaste in his book The Irresistible Revolution, here is a link to The Simple Way.

There is also a very large disconnect with our community, some people are working really hard at getting the youth involved, at spreading the good word, but others seem to be so stagnant.

This may be the way in ever church, but when I find it time to go to bed at night on Saturday nights, I feel this sense of dread and longing, longing for something more? Longing for something less, simple, more like how Jesus first did it, the way it is meant to be. Missional!

So, on Sunday mornings, I wake up to my alarm, and lay there and think about my choices. Go to church to hang out with the people I know and only see once in a while, which is a big draw, getting little out of the sermon, (not the fault of the pastor, maybe I am just shut off?) or to stay in bed and push the snooze button, ultimately sabotaging myself by sleeping too late.

Is it like ripping off a bandaid? Or like going to the gym at 6am? You just need to do it and it feels better.

What do I need to do? I know that I need to find new experiences, to seek out new life and new civilizations, (oh wait, that sounds oddly familiar!) to boldly go where no man has gone before, or gone before, but I have not.

Where can I find it? The missional community that I am desiring, the one where it is possible to openly ask questions, to have debates, to welcome that drunk man shoveling the sidewalk into church for a cup of coffee instead of sending him away in disgust.

I have seen that before, I have attended a church much like that, but it is a bit of a distance to go on Sundays, especially when I work. In Winnipeg I saw this. It was a home, a family, open to all, and at the base of seeking God and making Him known.

I need to stay here, I have made a commitment to school, and I am not turning away, I LOVE it. I am supposed to be here taking classes. I just need something more. You know?

This is a very personal entry and I welcoming challenges, comments, personal opinions, advice. All of it. I think bloggers blog because of those things, and more.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Haiti Relief And Awesome Music

This is a note from my friend Devon's band.

They are releasing a single on Jan. 27th and along with that they are donating miney to the organization One Days Wages. I have said enough, here it is straight from the band themselves!

Hey everyone, its the guys in A Cry Farewell here. With everything going on in Haiti we feel this was a perfect time for us to help. Our debut single "The Rain" will be available on iTunes (hopefully) the 27th of January. We see this as a great way for us to help. So for the first week that The Rain is available on iTunes we are donating 20-25% of sales to "One Days Wages" towards the relief in Haiti.

You can preview "The Rain" on our myspace.

Help us get the word out and forward this to everyone!


Josh, Devon, Kyle, Justin

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

a safe place really?

Is this really a forum where I can share my true feelings about things?

I honestly think not.

Not only is this page really open to anyone on the internet but it is (I think) read by people who care about me.

I do want to keep writing lovely inspiring posts, or updates about how things are going for me.

This is a personal blog, so I shouldn't feel bad about nattering on and on about myself, and also I should not feel bad about sharing less than stellar things.

But then I wonder why? What is the rationale behind me wanting to share things?

Am I venting? Which isn't necessarily a good thing all of the time.  Or am I wanting someone to read what I have to say without me saying it to their face?

I don't write things because I worry about other people's feelings, and sadly what other people will think of me.

So the question today is, is this really the place to talk about upsets? Is this a place to share real feelings about frustrations and challenges? Or not?

So anyone that reads this weigh in on what you think! I look forward to comments!

Labs And Clinicals - An Update

Well seeing as I am in my second term of first year, it has begun, yes, labs and clinicals where we learn the skills necessary to assist patients with activities of daily living.
I have been a health care aide for a number of years now. 9 to be exact, and along the way I have picked up some very important skills, as well as some bad habits.

At the start of this whole school business I was worried that I would be either over confident (cocky) or under confident (self conscious) because of being in this field for so long.

Well, it turns out I am under confident, I know I know this stuff, last week we learned about hand washing, this week was bed baths... simple skills that I was thrown into in my first day as an aide long long ago when I worked in long term care.

I feel like I am dumb (sometimes purposely so so I can start fresh learning a skill (and I worry that because I have been an aide for so long that people are looking to me to have answers and to know ALL of it already (I certainly don't and I would never think I do).

I am sharing my feelings about lab and this new process of being full immersed in school and learning new skills, unlearning old ones.

As I mentioned before we were learning bed baths today, and to learn our skills we get to practice most things on each other. 

My lab partner is Daphne, we have gotten quite close in the last few months, but I am unsure of whether or not our personal relationship influenced practicing in a positive or negative way.

Daphne is great, she is kind and patient and so giving, and when I was nervous about doing things right she so encouraged me to keep going and that I was doing alright.

At the end of it all I realized my skills weren't as bad as I had thought and that its alright to be nervous.

I also learned what it feels like to be bed bathed (and I even got to keep my shirt and shorts on) I can only imagine how it feels to be getting a real bed bath.

I think that for me as a seasoned aide who has some of these skills already it was good to be on the other side of the proverbial coin, or in this case the towel.

I just hope to remain humble for the rest of my life in seeing that I don't know everything, and there is always more to learn. And that it is for His glory that I am pursuing this with the fervor I have been trying to maintain.

I think that its alright to be nervous, and right now is the time to learn and make mistakes and ask questions.

I don't have to deal with a sucking chest wound yet, just bathing and catheter care, which is the best news I have had yet today!

Deuteronomy 8:15-18

He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock.

He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you.

You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me."

But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Concerts and my Love of them

I have always liked concerts, truly.

It seems that seeing my friend Phil go to as many concerts as he does spurred me on to start actually going to concerts I want to see!

So This last few months (really when I started school and not having much free time is when I chose to start doing this) I have been attending shows.

I won tickets to a show, I bought tickets to another, and most of the time, it is spontaneous.

Today I decided to go see Blue Rodeo, I had no idea that they were going to be in Red Deer this evening, not at all, it was advertised on a country station and I am not the biggest fan of country.

I was in a dilemma, who is going to come with me!?

I haven't been to a concert by myself before, and even though I know I am capable, I didn't really want to go by myself.

I asked a whole gamut of people, and only one person actually was able to make it. I was ok with that, although I really wish Bethany could have come with me as well.

Cuff the Duke, The opening band was so super, they put on a good show as well and had some great songs.

 I find I like the opening bands almost as much or sometimes more than the headliner - but shhhh don't tell them that!

I just wanted to share that little story with you, a little to brag but mostly to tell a story.

Night all