Sunday, May 8, 2011

Crying in a pew

First of all I want to wish all mothers out there a happy Mother's day!

Mothers have the hardest job on the entire planet. They are wonderful and amazing people, they sacrifice and give the best for their children.

I am not a mother. Not yet.

I was dating someone until recently and I had hoped that we were moving towards that eventual goal, of course not passing the road marker of marriage first. 

This morning on my way to church I realized that I really am not a mother. And that dream seems even further way now that Jason and I are no longer.

I was overcome with this sadness, a feeling of loss and longing and I cried.

Of course when I got to church they were also celebrating mothers and what they do for us in our lives. They were handing out carnations to the mothers in the congregation.

Directly in the pew across the church was his family, I was reminded of the recent loss again when the men were handing flowers to the women in Jason's family.

A man in my church who always goes out of his way to welcome me and say hello walked up to me and handed me a flower.

I shook my head to say no to him, seeing as I am not a mother and therefore I wasn't actually supposed to receive one. He said, "yes you will" with a smile.

I tried in vain to hold back the tears that were bursting at the surface, trying to push their way out, it was a hopeless idea.

Thankfully, just at that moment a woman sat beside me. She is a beautiful woman, her heart is so large and she is so loving she said, "this isn't a day for crying" and she pulled me into her arms and held me for a while.

She is a mother in the truest sense of the word, a mother to not only me at that moment, but she is the one who continually comes to me when I am sad or needing a hug in church. She isn't even a woman I know outside of the church building, but such a huge blessing to everyone there.

And then the sermon started.

It was about seeking God in times of trouble and turmoil (at least thats the part that spoke to me the most at that moment).

I was almost immediately uplifted, this time of feeling sorry for myself for having lost something was blocked out by the shining of God into my heart.

Right then it became clear that my foundation hasn't been built on that relationship, but on Christ. He has been building me up for years now for moments like this.

The trick is to seek Him when times get tough, because He is the only one who can fulfill what is missing in my life.

I don't have things missing in my life at all. I know that my longing and waiting is just going to make the payoff that much sweeter.

I love where God has me at this moment, showing me and shaping me into His image, prying away the layers that add bulk onto something that is already good.